Before my divorce, sex was the last thing on my mind. My body felt deflated after babies, and my sexuality became wrapped in the sags, dimples and aging flesh- without my firm 25 year old pre-baby body, was a still a sexual being? Did I deserve intimacy, and would anyone ever desire me again?
I shoved these questions to the back of my psyche and soldiered on through mommyhood. Sex was irrelevant, anyway. Such a chore- it took too much mental energy to climb from the pit of my own self doubt.
The forest of good sex is watered with trust and honesty. My parched forest was withered and friable from years of betrayals, criticism and contempt, those apocalyptic heralds of impending marital doom.
Between the deadwood sex forest, and my butt dimples, I was basically retired from sex. Dried up and done at 36.
You may laugh and tell me I’m being ridiculous, or may shame me for neglecting my marital duties, depending on your world view.
I know from many an intimate wine bar confessional that I’m not alone, however. Too few moms are enjoying panting, hot sex. Too few moms are even missing panting, hot, sex.
Ladies, we need to change this. We need to take back our sexuality from the butt dimple demons, and the she-troll that lives under our sagging left tit (god, it was beautiful before kids. Can we take a moment, close our eyes, and mentally stroke that once full and tender bulb?)
We may not have the globes of glory of our younger years, but that changes nothing. Sex is ours, and damn any tit troll who whispers self doubt into our sagging labia.
Enjoy it ladies. Do it for yourselves, if not for your man. In fact, forget the man for a minute. Between you, me, and my vibrator (bless its buzzing soul), men are largely irrelevant to good orgasm anyway.
What is entirely relevant is how you see yourself. Picture yourself (literally) how you want to be seen sexually, and give yourself a couple of hours with your phone. Ladies, this is why Snapchat was invented. Teenage boys may use it for sending impertinent dick pics, but its highest and best use is taking intimate self portraits, softly lit and suggestive. Keep them for yourself and treasure them always. Share them if you must, but only for a worthy partner who is deserving of your most beguiling vulnerabilities.
To take a good sex selfie, you need to capture a suggestion, a hint. You aren’t trying to take medical grade photographs of your labia- no one wants to see that shit. Capture the curve of your breast in a pretty bra. Your collarbones, or the hint of cleavage. Maybe your hand touching something sensitive? Be creative, and know that for every good photo, there are 50 bad ones. It takes time and practice.
Here are a few hints to get you started:
- 60% of good photography is appropriate lighting- filtered, natural light works well. Try taking them in the afternoon, with sunlight coming through a white curtain. Avoid direct sunlight at all costs- too many glares and shadows.
- 30% is framing your picture. Negative space (meaning what you leave out), is more powerful that the actual image. The photo should be just you- if you are shooting in your bedroom, crop out your dresser, the pile of clothes on the chair etc. Better yet, start with a perfectly clean room! That leads me to point three:
- 20% is backdrop and setting- white linens on a bed work well. Don’t make your scene too complicated, or it will distract from the simple power of a gently curving breast.
- 10% is the subject itself! Play with different clothes- lie down with your jeans unbuttoned and your hand reaching just. down. there. No one says sexy selfies have to be fully nude! Wear a little mascara and lipstick if you must, but keep it natural.
Voila! There you have it. Once you have an image you like, put a filter on it (nothing evens out skin tone like the Snapchat filters!) and save them to your “My Eyes Only” folder. Rinse, repeat, and share as desired.